Monday, March 11, 2013

Dear Jessy - Zombie Apocalypse

Have I ever mentioned that I'd like to be an advice columnist? It sounds like the best job ever.  People ask questions, and then you give your opinion, and it's just your opinion, so it's not like there's a right or wrong answer.  Unless someone asks for the square root of X, I am comfortable in my abilities to cobble together some sort of answer.

Because I am not an advice columnist, but have so very much wisdom to share with the world, I decided I'll just make my own advice column - ask myself questions.  If you decide you would like to ask a question - just do it in a comment, and I'll answer as best I can!

Dear Jessy,

Do you think that a zombie apocalypse is coming, and if so, what should people do to get ready for it?

Not-Yet-Undead in Cincinnati

Dear Not-Yet-Undead,

What a loaded question!  I know that zombies have been in the media a lot - primarily in movies, TV shows, etc., with the exception of the face eating that happened down in Florida last summer.  I don't *REALLY* think that a zombie apocalypse is going to happen any time soon - but I'm not one to say never.  Just think about all the money that is being spent on "Scientific Research" in the US - according to NBC News, roughly 2% of our taxes are going to scientific research - at least a little bit of that research is probably being done by shady men with suspicious moustaches, and women with diabolical heels, right?

Let's put it this way:  Think of 100 people you went to high school with (or maybe summer camp, work, something - some population of 100 people that you had at least a moderate familiarity with).  Now, think about the evil person(s) in that group.  There had to be at least one person who was just plain bad news - the kid/kids your Mom warned you not to spend too much time with.  Now imagine that person is some government funded scientist in an underground bunker somewhere; they are a scientific researcher, what do you think they're looking into?  Probably turning people into zombies.

If there is a zombie outbreak, I'm predicting it will start from one of four sources:

  1. Evil Scientist trying to reanimate their lost love
  2. Meteor (I'm looking at you, Russia)
  3. Side-effect of genetically modified foods
  4. Voodoo
Sure, there are lots of other causes, but I don't have the time or imagination for it today.  To prepare for the (extremely unlikely) disaster, here are my suggestions:
  1. Head for the hills - literally - it's better to be at the top of a hill, that way you'll be able to see all the zombies and marauders coming your way
  2. Invest in shutters now; glass is going to be zero help 
  3. Don't bother with guns - in pretty much every zombie scenario EVER - their ears are not only still functional, but are extra awesome - you want to use baseball bats, sledge hammers, etc.  Flame throwers would probably be cool - until you had a flaming zombie running around lighting your house on fire
  4. Stock up on the candy/cookies you like.  Imagine the apocalypse - pretty crappy, right? Now imagine the apocalypse with zero Peanut Butter M&Ms - way worse.
That's it for today.  

Just remember - if your loved ones are looking grey-faced, and try to bite you - don't just assume they're zombified and hit them with a hammer - take the time to see if they're hungover or something.

Until Tomorrow,

If your relatives look like this - it might not be a bad idea to run away as fast as you can.

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