Friday, March 15, 2013

Dear Jessy

I hope to keep my "Dear Jessy" Advice column as a regular blog feature, and this is where you can find all of the posts!  If you'd like to send me a question/letter - just cue up your email and send it to

3/15/2103:  My New Pope

3/11/2013: Zombie Apocalypse

Dear Jessy - My New Pope

The newest addition to my "Dear Jessy" faux-advice column.  The advice isn't faux, the letters are.

Dear Jessy,

With all the scandal and ridiculousness in the Catholic Church over the past few decades, what's the big deal over the new Pope?

Losing My Religion in America

Artist's Interpretation

Dear LMR,

I totally get how you're feeling, even if I have a different response to it.  The Catholic Church has been less than stellar lately.  From the epidemic of child abuse, to the marginalization of the nuns, things have been pretty cruddy in Catholicland of late.

While I would have jumped at the opportunity to be the new Pope, I was sadly never even approached by a single Cardinal.  I'm totally over it, although the illustration above should give you an idea of how very awesome I would be (FYI - the scanner only does black and white, but the shoes are highlighter orange).

I'm actually pretty excited about a new Pope.  Some things about Francis I that make me happy are his devotion to the poor, and that he studied Chemistry in college - those are both great things!  Of course, I disagree heartily with his take on gay rights, but were we really expecting anything different?  My hope is that he will look in his heart, maybe spend some time praying, and will realize that bigotry has no place in a faith that professes loving one another as one of its main tenets.  I'm an optimistic gal, so I will keep on hoping!

The newest piece of information that leads me to believe the Pope can change his tune, and by changing his tune, potentially change the tune of millions of Catholics around the world, is the op-ed piece written by GOP US Senator Rob Portman of Ohio. Senator Portman was previously anti-gay marriage, but when his son came out in 2011, it caused him to question his beliefs.  My very favorite quote from the commentary is:

"I’ve thought a great deal about this issue, and like millions of Americans in recent years, I’ve changed my mind on the question of marriage for same-sex couples. As we strive as a nation to form a more perfect union, I believe all of our sons and daughters ought to have the same opportunity to experience the joy and stability of marriage." 

I highly recommend you read the entire piece at The Columbus Dispatch.

So, after all of that, I say YES - it is a big deal that we have a new Pope, even for lapsed non-Catholics like me.  Try to see the world through my rose-colored glasses; there is so much potential for positive change!!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Dear Jessy - Zombie Apocalypse

Have I ever mentioned that I'd like to be an advice columnist? It sounds like the best job ever.  People ask questions, and then you give your opinion, and it's just your opinion, so it's not like there's a right or wrong answer.  Unless someone asks for the square root of X, I am comfortable in my abilities to cobble together some sort of answer.

Because I am not an advice columnist, but have so very much wisdom to share with the world, I decided I'll just make my own advice column - ask myself questions.  If you decide you would like to ask a question - just do it in a comment, and I'll answer as best I can!

Dear Jessy,

Do you think that a zombie apocalypse is coming, and if so, what should people do to get ready for it?

Not-Yet-Undead in Cincinnati

Dear Not-Yet-Undead,

What a loaded question!  I know that zombies have been in the media a lot - primarily in movies, TV shows, etc., with the exception of the face eating that happened down in Florida last summer.  I don't *REALLY* think that a zombie apocalypse is going to happen any time soon - but I'm not one to say never.  Just think about all the money that is being spent on "Scientific Research" in the US - according to NBC News, roughly 2% of our taxes are going to scientific research - at least a little bit of that research is probably being done by shady men with suspicious moustaches, and women with diabolical heels, right?

Let's put it this way:  Think of 100 people you went to high school with (or maybe summer camp, work, something - some population of 100 people that you had at least a moderate familiarity with).  Now, think about the evil person(s) in that group.  There had to be at least one person who was just plain bad news - the kid/kids your Mom warned you not to spend too much time with.  Now imagine that person is some government funded scientist in an underground bunker somewhere; they are a scientific researcher, what do you think they're looking into?  Probably turning people into zombies.

If there is a zombie outbreak, I'm predicting it will start from one of four sources:

  1. Evil Scientist trying to reanimate their lost love
  2. Meteor (I'm looking at you, Russia)
  3. Side-effect of genetically modified foods
  4. Voodoo
Sure, there are lots of other causes, but I don't have the time or imagination for it today.  To prepare for the (extremely unlikely) disaster, here are my suggestions:
  1. Head for the hills - literally - it's better to be at the top of a hill, that way you'll be able to see all the zombies and marauders coming your way
  2. Invest in shutters now; glass is going to be zero help 
  3. Don't bother with guns - in pretty much every zombie scenario EVER - their ears are not only still functional, but are extra awesome - you want to use baseball bats, sledge hammers, etc.  Flame throwers would probably be cool - until you had a flaming zombie running around lighting your house on fire
  4. Stock up on the candy/cookies you like.  Imagine the apocalypse - pretty crappy, right? Now imagine the apocalypse with zero Peanut Butter M&Ms - way worse.
That's it for today.  

Just remember - if your loved ones are looking grey-faced, and try to bite you - don't just assume they're zombified and hit them with a hammer - take the time to see if they're hungover or something.

Until Tomorrow,

If your relatives look like this - it might not be a bad idea to run away as fast as you can.